Becoming a Woman (?)

A girl, huh?

Oh God, why am I a girl? That question had ever appeared at a glance in my mind. I thought that girls were the most complicated creature in the universe. Their sensitivity, melancholy, accessories, beauty treatment – arrghh those are too complicated.

Yes, I was born as a woman, but it was hard for me to live in a culture that holds a rule of a "woman's supposed-to-be." I grew up as a girl who broke the 'rule' of being a girl. I made distance with cosmetics, dolls, accessories, 'girlie games,' mirrors, high heels, I considered those all as silly things. I avoided mirror, contrary to the girls who generally spend their time gaining confidence by standing before it.  It was very seldom for me to take care of my hair after taking a shower or waking up in the morning. I have no concerns about my physical appearance. I didn't count it as something important. You can also imagine how miserable I was and how messy my tied hair was. I can't believe it was me, sooo not-maintained-me.

Instead, I dedicated my life to flying kites, arm wrestling, watching WWF smack down, bicycling and climbing trees on a sweltering day. I had a more fun time with guys than the girls. I lost my enthusiasm as soon as my girl friends asked me to join them in playing 'masak-masakan' or 'ibu-ibuan' – oh that's so boring – my thought. I only favored 'lompat karet' to play with the girls. Why? No other reasons than I can do salto to jump over the raised-up rubber. (Oh, also hide and seek or 'petak jongkok' because I can run fastly).

The one and only feature of a girl left in me is long hair – because my father prohibited me a lot not to cut my hair short, “A girl/woman should have long hair,“ as he always said.

A butterfly in my stomach

Things changed slowly as I entered my new life scene in junior high school. It was the first time I felt a butterfly live in my belly anytime I passed a senior at my school. I found that I adored him this much (like a circle of bottle caps). Hmm...nonono this much (like a circle of hula hoop). Hahaha

I started to buy a new hair tie and hairpin. I peeked myself in the mirror. I also tried to wear skirts outside school time. I still don't get the idea why I turned out to be increasingly girlie at that time.

Oh, I remember. I also learned how to cook from my mother! (I'm laughing at this, seriously. How 'lebay' I responded, my sense of falling in love). Actually, since I was in elementary school, my mother has pushed me to cook. She implemented her mother's nurture. In Javanese culture, cooking skill is a must for a woman since she will be a wife and mother. That's why my mother was so talkative, commanding me to cook. Even now, she always tells me that she has been good at cooking since she was still sitting in the sixth grade of elementary school. Awesome, right? – but it didn't buy me previously. However, finally, I obeyed my mother. I took a 'cooking course' in the kitchen, but as you guessed, it just lasted for a week.

A Rebuke from a Best Friend

Anyway, the thing I wanna underline here is not the sequences of how I 'metamorphose' to be a real woman. I realize my willingness to become a woman was driven by someone. I changed myself to attract him. I hid the real me, then I chased for an ideal picture of a woman to let him know “I'm here, I exist.“

Once I knew that his heart had fallen into another woman, I felt my efforts were in vain. I wasted time. I came back to be the 'ancient-me' – not taking care of myself that much as before.

This is my turning point, I wanna tell you. I would like to thank my dearest Elda Claudia Sembiring, for rebuking me, she corrected my wrong perspective. One day (it was my second year if I'm not mistaken), I came to campus as usual and met her. Our conversation revolved around make-up stuffs. I was proud of my inability to put makeup on my face, I didn't even have knowledge about mascara, eyeliner, or stuff. I showed her my ignorance toward those things.

Elda said, “Just try to learn how to put makeup well, Yo. Enhance your appearance!“

“No. I'll be enhancing it once I have a boyfriend,“ I delivered a refusal.

She rebuked me. This sentence changed my perspective,“No. You're wrong. You should change your appearance not for or because of someone else. You yourself should be the reason. You should change for the betterment...because you want it.“

I couldn't rebut her statement. I was thinking what Elda had just said was true.

A 'click' to strive to live as you're created

Starting from that moment, I have taken the idea of 'becoming a woman' more seriously. I took time to pause and ponder. Anyway, these are my considerations. I was born, assigned by God as a woman. I believe it is a perfect plan God has prepared. I know He didn't design me without a marvelous plan. I shouldn't escape from it. I should take the consequences – which means....you know what I mean. I felt a little bit regret: 'why do I realize it now?' There has been a long time when I didn't take care of the skin and hair God gave me. My laziness in washing up my face before sleep triggered acne on my face. My hair has been broken and so on.

I scanned my wardrobe. I found a lot of 'oversize-shirts' (some of them are my father's.wehehe). I reaaaallly love to wear them anyway. Somehow, I realized that they made me look like 'ondel-ondel.' I should repent, no longer wearing boy's shirts. Fuuuhh.

The conclusion is: I should take good care of all parts of the body God has entrusted. I'm so sorry, dear God. Another conclusion: I should let myself be the reflection of how beautiful God is, by presenting a neat and maintained appearance. Speaking of this doesn't mean that I glorify physical appearance above all. Not-at-all. Here, what I mean by paying attention to our appearance is not intended to attract someone's heart or to be a trendsetter. I'm now persuading each of us to thank the Lord by maintaining the beauty God has put within us. To dress well, in a simple way, can also be a medium to witness Him, bringing people to come to adore God for the beauty He has invested in us.

Unceasing Journey to be a woman God wants me to be

Realizing that being a woman is a privilege, I wanna be responsible for it. I'm still learning how to walk in 'a straight line' (previously, I walked like a man, very careless). I've started to treat my hair and body skin. The result won't be so significant in the near future. However, I'm happy doing this by my own intention rather than being forced by my mother or anyone else. Not only physical appearance, but I'm also now striving to equip myself with some skills besides housekeeping, such as cooking and managing money. Inspired by another dearest sister, Fityananda Musthika, I should cook not merely by compulsion of preparation of being a wife someday. “Cooking is not an option, but it's an absolute 'weapon' to survive,“ Thika once said on her blog. I call it as an investment for the future. It is nice to know that someday my cooking skill will bless my future husband and children. But beyond that, I wanna cook for more people.

The main important thing is to equip ourselves with invisible yet everlasting jewelry, namely godly character. Our physical appearance and life skills will be useless if our hearts are not submitted to Holy Spirit every single day to be molded based on His will.

And I know it won't take an instant period. It will take an unceasing journey until His second coming to the earth. Now we're waiting for Him. It's more than waiting because we're also witnessing while waiting.

So women, let's take this responsibility to be the woman He wants us to be, not by our own strength, but by letting Him take over and lead us day by day.

I close this with my favorite sentences of Kenneth G. Smith

“A woman is not born a woman. Nor does she become one when she marries a man, bears a child and does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement. A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be.“