Marriage is Never a Game

Interested in marriage

The first time I clearly noticed the beauty of marriage was when I got trapped in an outdoor family fellowship event organized by my church while I was still a teenager. No other options but to sit next to my mom, listening to a married couple share God's Words in a semi-formal seminar. Just to kill time, I took my note book out from my bag and a pen for notetaking -- I made myself look busy.

The way the couple delivered the topic was mesmerizing. I was captivated by the beauty of love in marriage God longs for, how love is supposed to be lived out for real! Surprisingly, I jotted down all the key points in my book. I was really inspired and wished to build that kind of marriage life. 

Yeah, I know, it sounds so silly for a junior high school student to envision a godly marriage. But I consciously made that hope in my heart ever since. 

Time runs much faster than I could ever imagine. I spent my youth living far from puppy love. As a teenager, I thought I was too serious when it came to the idea of having a relationship with a boy. I'm not kinda girl who can easily fall for someone, but of course, I have a crush(es). I can count how many times I really liked someone. Once it happened, I could linger on that feeling and focused on him for years! LOL what a faithful girl. 

I knew some of my boy friends were into me, and some confessed to me. But I was so sure that I was not ready for a relationship. I was just thinking that having a boyfriend was not a priority. Pardon, this is not for bragging about this but I chose to value friendship over romance, so I ignored them all.

We're just not meant to be

Things changed when I graduated from high school. As a sophomore, I had a male friend I adored so much. He is a man of prayer, a man of vision. We had a shared vision that I believed we could support each other at that time. That was the first time I thought, "I want to be his life helper". We could get along really well. We got closer and somehow I realized both of us had similar feelings. But we never got to vent it out until we graduated and separated. Lately, I know he has found the one, and is about to engage soon, I'm sincerely happy for him. Chill out, we're just not meant to be.

As I started to be a professional worker, I dared to open my heart to some guys who were approaching. But, never even once it worked out to proceed on the further relationship. Those I fell for did not mean what they said to me, only sugar-coated words and empty promises. I felt like I loved in fantasies -- with no firm basis, blindly devoted to thinking as if he was the one. With null experience in romance, I was easily flown by (unproven) words, promises, and (fake) sweet gestures. I waited on something that never happened in the very first place, I expected something that had never been given to me since the beginning: his earnest love. I was fooled, not by them, but by my own unmanaged expectation. This is so precious lesson: to manage expectations and be realistic. 

I was brokenhearted and disappointed several times during the last 6 years, but I have no doubt I'm getting wiser and more resilient. Time tells, teaches, and heals. Broken-heart helped me to get to know myself deeper -- to love, embrace, understand what she truly needs, and be proud of her more than yesterday. 

Even if I complained to God when He obviously said NO, a broken heart helped me linger on God even closer and ask more of His leading -- from questioning why this and that happened to acknowledge that all happens for good reasons: He's protecting me from the wrong man to spend life with. Some can say it's fortunate or unfortunate that I've never been in any dating relationship with someone up until I write this post. But, I can assure you that the best is yet to come as God is still orchestrating the encounter. 

Never a game

Coming back to the first idea of this writing, I want to reiterate that I take marriage as a really serious business. As for me, marriage is not a purpose but a means to walk towards our life purpose. Marriage will be a very significant step that will either hinder or support your way to work on your highest calling. Marriage is a great blessing that should be taken care of with great responsibility, maturity, and humility of two persons. Not to mention if God gives children in marriage, I really wish that God is in favor of blessing me with a true teammate to partner with. Thus we can nurture our children in the true knowledge of God and build a loving family life to bless others as Christ's witnesses. Otherwise, choosing the wrong partner equals a lifetime disaster and the potential destruction of family and generation. I hope my future partner and I will be on the same page about this. 

I witnessed many broken marriages rooted in hasty decisions in choosing a life partner. I am not immune to doubts and insecurities about this aspect of life, but I don't want to get married just because people tell me to do so or because I'm in my late 20s. I don't want to make a perfunctory choice.

There were times I worked really hard to make the relationship run smoothly, but all failed. There were times I was so confident that "well, this is the timing," "this is the one," but I was completely wrong. What I'm doing now is to flow with the process God may want me to get through prior to entering a godly marriage. It's wonderful to know that, in fact, I need lots of ''reparation'' to become the new creation in Christ. God is so good that He has prevented me from needless pain and more destruction I might experience if I forced myself to be in a relationship. I might also bring disaster to someone's life if I made the relationship work on my own-made wisdom.

My serenity prayer version

This serenity prayer summarizes the state of my heart as I progress in my discernment of life partner. I come to conclude this writing with this prayer. May you find God's peace in your state of mind and heart. 

If we're paired up as life partners, and it will mostly benefit others -- please be it.

If partnering is what's best for both of us and the only best for us -- please be it.

If our marriage is vital for Your work in this world, You'll guide us to find each other and unite.

If You see it's best for me to remain single, please give me the strength to keep being thankful and accept that with peace and full contentment -- so I won't bitterly live and look down on myself.

Help me live today, every day, before You, and be satisfied only in You.