H.O.M.E

 “Home is where your heart is,” I think the sentence is true. I will elaborate a little, “Home is where you gain your strength back.” For me, that means when you’re far away from home, you’ll not be strong enough to continue your life.

My home is Jakarta. My home is a small house number 23 in Cibubur border, consists of a (super cool) father, a (talkative yet super) mother, a (careless yet loving) lil’ brother and a (noisy yet sweet) lil’ sister. Twenty three years I had been living there. Every corner of that square house has recorded the echoes of my silly laughter, the sound of my tear drops, the words of song I’ve declared even the silence I orchestrated. It is home where you find the people who know who you really are, deliver their sincere critics, give full support, hold your hands to pray together and love you no matter how awful you are.

Last year, I have decided to go to North Halmahera. I want to dedicate my life for the people there at least for two years. It is for the first time I quit from the house to a very distant place with the longest period of time so far. My mother cried a lot when the day of my departure came nearer.

She asked, “Can you ask your HR to not be deployed there? North Maluku is too far.” She said, “Mba (my nickname at house), two years...isn’t it too long?”

My father said, “It’s okay. Go, I support you. Help the people there.”

I strengthened my heart, “Two years isn’t gonna be too long as my mother said. North Maluku isn’t that far.  I’ll ‘merantau’ (living in a place where it’s not your hometown) well and happily. I’ll enjoy my days, I won’t cry.“

My mother hugged and kissed me like hundred times at the airport on my departure night. I didn’t cry at all. I showed my family an excitement to welcome my new journey in an unknown place. I never felt homesick three months after I landed on Halmahera Island. I tried my best to divert my focus on my job.

Don’t hope (?)

I took another decision to not be home when Christmas 2015 came since I knew that on March 2016 there would be an opportunity for me to go to Java for a training. Flying to Jakarta by taking money from my wallet is too costly whereas I’ve been in a super tight period of spending money after my father entering his retirement. So, I planned to take the chance of making one day visit to see my family in Jakarta after the training done.

But the training has never been coming true until I’m writing down this post right now. HIKS.

Disappointed? Honestly, yes. I remember how I passed my Christmas and New Year night and day in drastic loneliness. I forced my heart to ‘postpone’ its longing until March, “Be patient, my soul. March is coming soon.” Unfortunately, I put my hope in a wrong place.

Yeah, I shouldn’t cling my hope to man. I shouldn’t rely on man’s disappointing promises. 

That’s a very awaking rebuke from God.

Painful

Working as development/social/multitasking worker in this organization isn't easy as clapping hands, my increased weight and acnes on my skinface may prove how complicated working with community. You're 'obliged' to have a great stress management skill and a go-to-person at least to do detoxification.

Working with the mentioned condition plus a longing heart for your home -- that's painful. 

You know exactly that a phone call even video call can’t replace a real hug. I often feel like needing a time to recharge. I went to the beach, I swam, I climbed up a tough tower to catch the sunrise with awesome scenery, I took my me-time eating, sleeping, pondering, I visited villages, I taught children – but those can’t fulfill the longing inside.

I’m thinking hard, what’s missing?

I’m missing companion. My home is my companion. Before deployment, every day I could absorb energy as much as I want from them (even if it’s only through small talks or by looking at their backs). When I struggled with hardship, there was my little sister – my shortcut to laughter, mother’s arm that I always lean on, or my best friend’s room to pray together. Being surrounded by them, I can ‘hide’ for a while from the exhausting world.

Dwelling in Halmahera, I cannot reach them easily every day. I mean, it may seem easy for me to call them every second, but the context is now different. On the telecommunication devices, I cannot express the true feeling I want to convey, “Mother, I really miss you and I wish I could pack my clothes and fly to Jakarta right now!”

Saying that would just exacerbate the condition, my mother would be suddenly worrying me, “What happened to my daughter, is there something unpleasant you experienced there? Oh come on, hurry up, come back to Jakarta (and maybe don’t go back there)”

Being separated from them, I remind myself that it’s one of consequences I have to bear with when I consciously decided to take this path. I should be responsible for my decision. I should grow up by firstly taking off my comfort area. I’m challenged to not being childish. And I keep wandering what actually He wants to talk to me during this part of ‘perantauan’ (a noun of merantau) life?

And?

This place is like an ‘exile’ for me, an exile to discipline me as a disciple. I get two points anyway during my ongoing contemplation. First, it’s about God. I see God wants to reemphasize that He is The Real Home for me. Yes, I need companion, but He should be the First Companion I seek in the very day. He is The Source of hope, joy and strength to continue the fight in the battlefield. Moreover, He is The Reason behind why I came here. He is The Inner-Contentment, none else can satisfy my thirsty soul.

Second, I admit my need for lifetime partner. Living in a new place with heavy duty is really burdensome. My family isn’t always there, my friends as well. I’m thinking it may ease my burden when I have a partner to share each other about happiness and sorrow, vision and dream, worry and hope; a partner to grow together towards Christ-likeness, to grow together in friendship and love. Yet, I haven’t found my  ‘home-man’ and haven’t been found as ‘home-woman’ by that man, still an intriguing mystery as always.

Anyway, the point to conclude is whether I’m humble enough to train myself to be content in God’s presence and providence like this song of David says, “Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside Thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.”

Psalms 73: 25-26 KJV

Apology for this melancholy-explicit writing, I finally write down this after almost one year contemplating. I’m taking this as my catharsis. By writing, I can get another perspective to see things and I’m relieved.

See you, I’m going back to my running arena.